breaking down the same old things...

Have you ever had a bad habit that you just couldn't break?  I have multiple, but the one that keeps coming back no matter how much I try to subdue it is my habit of trying to control everything.  I think the technical term is "control freak."  I prefer to know what is happening and if left to my own devices would not venture into new areas or experience willingly.  So, as you can imagine, I have been having a difficult time adjusting to my new situation because no matter what I do, I cannot control it.

This week has been especially hard in that respect.  I am finally reaching the point where I can accept that why some of this has been so hard is because in an attempt to control my life, I have shut out most of my life.  I focus on homework because I can control when that gets completed.  I can control what I watch on tv or online.  I can control what I eat for my meals if I stay here to eat them.  See?  It's all about control.  Why?  Control is safe and comfortable.

This week I got sick and getting sick always reminds me that I am not in control.  I came here having, for probably the first time in my life, a definite calling and direction for my life.  In two years I can get my degree and get on to what God has planned for me.  That is how I saw it.  And maybe how I still see it for the most part.  However, what slipped in the crack of my control was the idea that what God is calling me to right now is to be here.  I haven't been fully here.  My mind and my heart are strewn over South Dakota and the people that I care about there.  Slowly my connection there has been lessened, as it should be for now.  I cannot be fully here if so much of me, of my time and my concern is there.  Ultimately I am here to go back there and serve, but I cannot be faithful to God's calling on these two years of my life if I don't commit to being here.

I need to stop trying to control everything.  I need to stop trying to hijack my education and be more open to how this school does things.  That doesn't mean I won't think critically, but it does mean I won't reject something outright.  I need to stop being so afraid of the city and take the opportunities given to me to explore and experience what Chicago and Evanston have to offer.  I need to stop operating out of fear and be open to new experiences.  And I need to not be afraid of my own voice.

I miss my home all the time.  I miss my family and my church family who are so supportive.  I hope that I can honor them by allowing God to continually transform me into what I am intended to be.  This step has been painful, but refining is not an easy process.  Metal is refined by fire and I am being refined by the fire of the Holy Spirit.  But as my uncle Jerry would say, "Just think how good it will be when its done."