Afraid

I have all this stuff in my head and my heart and am afraid to say it out loud.  Some of it I am fine with sharing - I am a feminist.  This isn't much of a surprise - my kids call me a "feminazi" which I sort of hate actually.  It is mostly because of my position that women can be pastors and should have equal rights as men.

I also believe that homosexuals should have equal rights and do not understand why this isn't happening in the government.  We have separation of church and state which the church likes because it keeps the government from meddling with the church, but the church definitely likes to meddle with the government.  One religious belief should not dictate an entire (religiously free) country full of people who have a variety of religions represented (including no religion.)  It's one argument within the church, but that argument should not have a bearing on the government.

I didn't grow up in a household where my parents were pushing their beliefs on me.  When I went to seminary the first time I was surrounded by people who grew up with this Christian counter-culture that I wasn't really aware of.  They only listened to Christian music, read Christian fiction, watched Christian movies, etc.   I felt outside - I felt like I did not "get it."  I read the blog "Stuff Christians Like" and most days I think - I have not experienced what they are talking about apart from my time in college when I attended larger (mostly Baptist) churches.  That wasn't my experience.  And it isn't my experience now.  And I am fine if that is never my experience.  I am not a Christian for the counter culture (which in reality mirrors and glorifies secular culture without really be critical of it because it has a religious sheen on it.)  I would rather engage in the culture that is there - finding the good, thinking critically, and praising God.

I am nervous about attending Garrett in the fall.  Will I have the same experience that I did at Gordon?  I am afraid that if I do, I will quit.  I will not go through with it.  I can't go through that again - I can't keep taking classes where I am constantly having to evaluate what I can trust as a source because I fundamentally disagree with presuppositions that the author makes.  It's tiring and alienating and I don't like doing it.  I want to go somewhere where I will be affirmed in what I believe - where people will not be secretly wondering what I am doing there.  Not that they did at Gordon, but I did.  I wondered.  When you constantly are disagreeing with people - it makes you feel like a terrible Christian.  I love God.  I love Jesus Christ.  I have a calling on my life - I know this.  I just don't want to always be fighting or keeping my thoughts close to me all the time because I might offend someone or turn them away from the church or something else.

I have always tried to let people come to their own decisions and think things through.  And I'm not one to easily share what I think - and maybe now I wish that I would.